What it feels like to not be able to work
I suffer from the chronic illness ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) to a severity that means I have been unable to work since I fell ill almost 3 ½ years ago. Being in this position means you are entirely financially dependent on whatever help others can give you, whether that be social welfare or family members. As someone who has had jobs from the age of 13, this is not a comfortable position for me.
I’m in a constant state of anxiety about the benefits I receive: that I might lose them, or about having to go through the grueling assessment and appeals process again. The last time I went through it, it took about 17 months from start to finish. The whole process was horribly stressful and traumatic. It’s upsetting to have your suffering dismissed and disbelieved. Having to focus on your limitations in order to answer check box questions that are supposed to determine whether you can work or not, and then being forced to go to an assessment where all your answers are questioned or ignored, is something you need to be healthy to handle. The ordeal of going through this has definitely negatively impacted my health and my potential for recovery.
Even when I’m not actively involved in the process, it’s a continuous worry. I get a panic every time I see a brown envelope in the post (the DWP famously use brown envelopes). It’s scary not to have options: to not be able to go out and find work, to live with the constant threat of my benefits being taken away leaving me with no income, to know that if I did try to work it would make me sicker.
This definitely isn’t a life I’d choose. I would much rather be able to work and make a living. I long to feel secure and not have to constantly worry about having enough money. I long to be able to answer when people ask “What do you do?”. I long to be well enough to be able to work. It makes me feel like I’m useless because I’m not able to work, or even do housework. It’s a tedious, lonely and stressful existence being too sick to work.
I understand the plight all too well. Having worked very hard for years to build confidence, independence after growing up in an abusive home and subsequent abusive relationships, a career for when my offspring left school and/or better able to cope with the result of said abusive relationships that hurt them most and for which I fought every day for them, and that could last well into retirement it's hit very hard to be rendered dependant on a state that doesn't understand the care required...akin to being pulled back into that abusive home I took years to recover. Confidence, however when not reliant on things and doings can not be stripped no matter what they do to us. We have to fight back when we need to be recovering, face judgements when we need to build our esteem and hold our heads but not too high or we shall be deemed fit for work! I live in fear all the time but I know I have the fight, the esteem and a head held high enough to see the society we live is shaped to benefit those who can and punish those who can't all so the fat cat profits..all eyes have to be turned inward or at our fellow commoners to deflect attention away from the abusive, oppressive ways we are conditioned to obey. I'd say stay strong but weakness in body makes strength seem impossible and strength of mind exhausting. You are not alone, however..there are many of us.
ReplyDelete