Chronic Life In The Time Of Corona

For me, a global pandemic has changed my life very little; apart from missing the occasional visits from friends, and the services I rely on being under extra strain and thus becoming unavailable to me. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have people who lived nearby to bring me food and care for me. I know for some disabled and chronically ill people it has been very difficult because supermarket deliveries and other services they rely on have been overwhelmed and it has become impossible to book deliveries. The supermarkets have been prioritising some groups but many fall outside of this ‘priority’ group yet are unable to go to the shops themselves. 

I am familiar with the feeling of being stuck as time passes by mercilessly, of watching my life tick away with little to show for it. This pandemic has given people a brief glimpse into what life is like for me and others who are chronically ill. I sympathise with the people who are going through isolation now for the first time, because I remember how hard I found it to adjust and to deal with the disappointment of cancelled plans at the beginning. 

I’ve actually quite enjoyed everyone being stuck at home because, for a while at least, I don’t feel like there’s a whole world going on outside that I’m missing out on. Everyone has joined me in my way of life and it has made me feel less alone. Not everyone’s experience of this time has been the same, but it’s still nice to feel a sense of connectedness between myself and the rest of the populace, which in normal times is hard to find. 

However, I have found myself struggling with comparing myself to others still, those who have been over-achieving still despite being in lockdown. The people who have learnt new languages, renovated their homes, or ran marathons. I have felt inadequate and lacking because for me, an achievement is just getting through each day. It’s now, more than ever, I have to remind myself to be kind to myself, as perhaps we all do. We don’t have to be constantly achieving to be worthwhile. 

I have found it hard to hear all the messaging about “we will get through this” and people looking forward to “things returning to normal”. I know this brings comfort to most people, but as this is my normal it makes me feel sad that my way of life is seen as something to be escaped, to get through and be done with. It reminds me that I don’t have that same light at the end of the tunnel and that I might not get through this. I have managed to find some level of acceptance for my condition, and this messaging makes me feel invalidated and reminds me that this isn’t just temporary for me. 

I know I am in a privileged position because I am secure in my home and have people to help me. I feel for those who have been suffering through this crisis: those working on the front line, in an abusive home, struggling financially and worried about the future, those suffering from mental health issues, those who have lost loved ones, and many more besides. I am not glad for these times and I do not wish people to suffer, but I am grateful that it’s given others a little insight into what life is like for those chronically ill and housebound. I hope that this time will help to open some doors (such as home working and live streaming) for disabled and chronically ill people, which until now have been closed, as well as fostering a greater understanding for what these groups have to endure all the time.