Turning 30

 As I approach this milestone birthday, I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness. Is it okay to mourn the loss of much of my 20s to this devastating illness? Whilst I admit that focusing on the positive is good, ignoring your more painful emotions just causes them to fester, so embracing them can be helpful.

 

I sometimes find myself comparing my life to those of the elderly, who have already lived full lives, and I find their lives still fuller than mine, even though I am not yet 30. That is hard. When you have more in common with your grandparents than your school friends it is painful and sad. 

 

I got ill with ME at 24, and similarly to how people view the last year with the pandemic, I feel a bit like my life was put on hold then, and the intervening time has just been a pause. In a way, I still feel like I’m 24, because my life hasn’t progressed in the way that it ‘should’. 

 

I’m so far from where I thought I would be at 30. I’ve lost so many of my ‘good’ years in my 20s to this illness. I’d hoped to progress a career, go travelling, maybe even get married and start a family, but none of that has happened. 

 

I’ve had to learn that life often doesn’t go to plan, and that the only way to live is in the moment, one day at a time. I’ve had to let go of the expectations I had for my life, and learn to accept and appreciate the life I’ve been given (which isn’t always easy!). 

 

I struggle to accept the loss of my 20s, but I hold on to hope that my 30s will hold something better in store for me, even if it’s not what I might have planned.