How The TV Show ‘13 Reasons Why’ Saved My Life

 A few years ago I spent quite a bit of time thinking about ending my life. So much so that I wrote a blog discussing the reasons why I wanted to die. I even got close a few times, I had my escape route all planned out and everything. 

 

I had been going through a really difficult time in my life. I had been struck down by a debilitating and incurable chronic illness, and as a result, my relationship of several years was falling apart. My world as I knew it was crumbling all around me, and I happened to actually like the way my world had been. I was losing everything that was important to me: my hobbies, my job, my relationship, my independence, even what I thought of as my identity. So many things were being taken away from me, and what I was left with didn’t seem worth living for.

 

I wasn’t really clinically depressed, although I did have moments of despair and depression, it was just that I felt like my life was too small to be worth living, and I was just a burden on those around me. I thought that those who loved me would be better off if I weren’t around, as they were having to do so much to take care of me, and I could offer so little back. 

 

Then I watched season 1 of the show ‘13 Reasons Why’. If you haven’t seen it, it is about a teenaged girl who commits suicide, but leaves behind a set of tapes explaining why she did it. As the series goes on, you begin to get a clearer picture of all the things that drove her to take her own life. 

 

Whilst her story and motivations definitely don’t mirror my own, what struck me was how many people were deeply affected and upset by her death. I had always thought that whilst my dying would affect those who love me, such as my parents and friends, they would be better off without me to be a burden on them. However, it was ultimately thinking about those I loved that had prevented me taking any action yet. But when I saw the portrayal of the lasting and profound impact this teenaged girl committing suicide had on many people, not just her family and friends, really hit home to me the devastating impact this has on those around the person who has died. 

 

Although it is fiction, the show is moving and impactful, and it made me see how widespread the harm can be from a suicide. As the ‘mind’ website says, “Suicide can have a ripple effect, extending well beyond the person's immediate family and friends”. 

 

If you are feeling like you are in a place similar to where I was, I would like to offer you some encouragement. I no longer feel like I want to die, or that my life isn’t worth living. The people who I worried about being a burden on, they look after me because they want to, because they see my life as something valuable and worth preserving. I have learnt to focus more on the positives in my life: every night I write down three things that I am grateful for that day, and this small act has had a profound impact on the way I feel about my life. I make time and use my limited energy to do things I enjoy, and I try to feel excited about it. Even if they are only small things, if I think about my enjoyment of them, it makes me feel happier to be alive, and I can look forward to the next thing. My value to others is not in what I do, but in offering love, kindness, and my own unique personality. I promise that the same is true of you as well. 

 

Whenever I am going through a hard time, I find it helpful to think about the concept of impermanence: this is the idea that everything is always in a state of flux, nothing ever stays the same. Whilst this means that the good times never last, it also means that the bad times never last either. Everything passes, we just have to weather the storm and wait for the sun to come out. Or we can even learn to enjoy the storm (dance in the rain), for we know it will pass and we won’t get to experience the same storm again – though that may be a bit hard to contemplate from a place of despair. 

 

Whatever your current situation, know that you have value that is intrinsic. You don’t have to do or be anything to be valuable, who you are is enough. Also, your life touches so many people that you might not even imagine, people whose lives are made better by your existence. 

Links:

1. https://musingsofaplatypus.blogspot.com/2019/01/im-suicidal-but-im-not-depressed.html 

2. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/bereavement-by-suicide/