7 Years Sick

As I was preparing to write this I honestly had to check that it had really been 7 years, as I couldn’t believe I have been sick for so long. When you give it some thought, 7 years really is a long time to be debilitatingly sick, especially in your 20s and 30s. 

 

The last year has been an interesting one for me. I’ve been suffering from some new symptoms and the whole process I went through getting them investigated brought up a lot of the same feelings I experienced when I was initially sick with the M.E.. I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t being taken seriously by GP’s, the worry that there might be something seriously wrong, the realisation that my GP has very little to offer me in terms of treatment. All of these are things that I experienced in the first few months of being suddenly and mysteriously ill 7 years ago. In a way going through it all again was particularly upsetting because it resurrected past traumas of when I went through it the first time. 

 

In addition to my own problems, someone close to me has been struggling with their own health issues. It’s been difficult to watch them go from healthy to sick at a time when their life was going well and seeing their life become more and more like my own. I’ve been trying to help them adjust to not being able to do all the things they used to be able to do, and while I’m grateful that I am able to help, it’s sad that they are having to, and it’s also not something I should really have the experience of at my age. My life the last 7 years has given me a perspective that few at my stage in life have. Whilst it is hard and you have to mourn the loss of the things you loved to do but can no longer manage, I have found ways to still find value and joy in a more restricted life. 

 

I recently read something in the book ‘Everything is always changing’ by the amazing blogger Mindfully Evie. It was very timely for me as it happened to be something she wrote when reflecting on the anniversary of her being sick for 7 years. In her writing she talks about how she could feel sad about all the negatives, but goes on to say that instead she is choosing to be proud that she is doing the best she can and focussing on living the best life she can now while maintaining hope for the future. 

 

If I’m honest, I am quite good at finding the negatives in things. I believe there is a part to play in making people aware of the struggles people with chronic illness go through, but for my own well-being perhaps I could do with a bit more focus on the positives. This is something I have been working on the last few years, and I think that I’m actually a more positive person now than I was before I got sick. My illness has forced me to learn a lot and given me a lot of time for introspection. I am now much better in tune with my feelings and my body, which has given me a greater ability to actually manage them. I also find that adversity often makes people more compassionate and kinder, and I believe I now have greater empathy for other peoples’ struggles. I’ve also trained myself to seek out the positives in life and regularly find things to be grateful for, which alleviates the constant striving for more, allowing me to find more contentment in where I am now. 

Life with a chronic illness is certainly not easy, and often I find myself dreaming of what my life would be like if I were healthy. A lot of my old coping methods involved things I can no longer do so I’ve had to relearn new techniques (which often involves having to face things head on a lot more). I bitterly miss many things I used to be able to do, for example, sometimes I would love nothing more than to be able to go out for a quiet walk in nature. I still hope that one day I will be better and able to do those things again, though each year that passes with no improvement does make it hard to keep hope sometimes. 

 

Life with chronic illness is in truth like anyone’s life in a way: it’s not all good and it’s not all bad. All I can do is my best, being thankful for the good I have and facing the bad with courage and resilience.