How many years has it been now? (8 year sickness anniversary)

 This year instead of feeling sad, I’m choosing to commemorate (and maybe even celebrate) my sickness anniversary. 

 

Over the years my relationship to my illness has changed: first I felt fear, then naive hopefulness, soon followed by bitter resentment, despair, begrudging acceptance, and eventually reaching where I am now; a sort of state of coexistence. 

 

I think for a while my illness was defining me, rather than just being a part of my larger picture. The last few years I have been unconsciously distancing myself from the ME community somewhat, but I think it’s what I needed to do to be able to find a me beyond ME. The community can be wonderful, but for a time it was a huge part of my life, and that contributed to me becoming swallowed by my diagnosis. 

 

My health is no better than it was, but these days I am often much more content than I used to be. I’ve found areas of life that I can access, and I focus less on the areas I can’t. I do sometimes get overwhelmed with sadness that I can’t do the things I used to love, but I try to divert my focus more into the things I can do now that I love. 

 

I’ve been losing count of the years I’ve been sick, and I no longer have the mindset that the only way I can live a meaningful life is through recovery. I used to see recovery as the only option for me to enjoy life, and when that seemed like a vain hope, it made it hard for me to see the point in continuing to live. I still hope and dream of regaining my health, but it is no longer essential for me to believe I can enjoy the life I have. 

 

I can’t deny that it still hurts to see all the things other people do that I would love to be part of, but can’t be. I don’t think that will ever not be an issue. I’ve always wanted to do so many things and go to so many places. I often find myself planning all the things I will do if (when) I recover, and I have a long travel wishlist that might not all be possible with my current condition. 

 

I think having hope for recovery can be helpful, just so long as you don’t believe it’s essential for your happiness. I’ve now been sick for (… urm, since 2015, so that’s, urm…) 8 years now. I do hope this won’t be my reality for the rest of my life, but if it is, I have found ways to enjoy the life I have, and to thank my body for what it is able to do. I know it’s trying its best!