9 Years Sick

When I think about having been sick for 9 years now, I can’t help but let that thought carry me to the realisation that it will soon be the big 1-0. A whole decade sick seems wild to me, but I suppose that is really a topic for next year. 

 

Chronic illness is a concept that’s hard for us to get our heads around. How can you be sick for years and not either get better or die? Some schools of medicine believe it’s due to imbalances in our systems, and that may be true, but my best efforts, and believe me I’ve tried, have not been able to correct these imbalances. I haven’t tried everything, I don’t have the funds or, frankly, the energy to try everything, but I have tried several alternative therapies.

 

Alternative medicines, and those are pretty much the only treatments available to people with ME, are expensive, often untested, and can demand a lot from a patient. I used to go into new treatments and therapies full of hope that this would be the one that would make the difference, and every time that didn’t happen the disappointment would be crushing. 

 

I haven’t given up, but I’m definitely more careful with my time, and most importantly, my energy. Rationing my energy seems to be the only thing I can do that really makes much difference, but even then, it doesn’t make me better, it just helps me cope better. 

 

My main thought this year is about how I want to start reframing this anniversary. I would like to start celebrating this day, with family and friends if I can. 

 

Celebrating another year of being sick may seem a bit odd, but I can see value in turning this day from something that makes me sad, into something positive. I don’t think I could celebrate being sick itself, but I can certainly try to celebrate my resilience and strength over these last 9 years. 

 

Sometimes people call me strong, or brave, and whilst these words are kind, and perhaps accurate, I don’t always feel that I deserve praise. I feel that my response to getting a chronic illness wasn’t a choice, but rather a necessity. If I hadn’t been strong or resilient, there is a decent chance I might not be here today. 

 

I have had some dark times in the last 9 years. In these more recent years, whilst I still desperately wish I could have a healthy body, I have found myself feeling more glad to be alive, and excited about the idea of living. I may not be able to do everything I would like, and life is still very difficult, but I can do some things that bring me joy. These things are what keeps me going and help me to feel grateful that I get to live a life on this planet. 

I still hope and dream of recovery one day, but I am now in a place where it doesn’t feel essential for me to have a chance at being happy.