10 Years Sick

 I’ve now been sick for 10 years, a whole decade! Sometimes my old life feels so far removed that it is inconceivable. Other times I feel like if I got magically better tomorrow, I could just step back into it and pick up where I left off. Then I remember I’m no longer in my 20’s and I’ve been out the workforce for a decade. 

 

My life has changed a lot in the last 10 years, though my actual day-to-day has changed very little. I’ve had to wrestle with the idea I had for my life; let go of hopes, ambitions and dreams, and find acceptance in where I’m at. I’ve had to accept that I won’t be returning to the job I enjoyed and did well in, let go of a relationship I thought was ‘the one’, let go of hobbies I loved doing, and move from a place I’d made my home. 

 

I’ve ended up back in the village where I grew up, something I hadn’t planned on before, and it felt like a bit of a failure. It has, however, allowed me to be close to my parents, to old friends, and to be in a place where I could find something of a community. 

 

When I first fell ill in 2015, being sick for 10 years would have been inconceivable, even now it’s hard to wrap my head around. I’ve been unwell for more of my adult life than I was healthy. 

 

I’ve had to relinquish a lot of my old ideas to get to a place where I feel like I’m still valuable as a person, even if I’m not able to work or participate in society the way I’d like. The recent targeting of disabled people by the media and the government has done its upmost best to undo my new peace, and it has caused me a few wobbles. In the last decade I’ve encountered many wonderful people in a similar situation to my own, and thinking of them helps me to defend the value of disabled people against the onslaught.  

 

My time unwell has made me more empathetic, and helped me to learn what really matters in life. I believe, or I hope at least, that if I do somehow recover, I will be in a better place to make choices that keep me valuing the things I have learnt are important. Connection, enjoying life, valuing what you have, are all more important than climbing the corporate ladder, having lots of money and fancy things, and meeting those ‘life goals’. 

 

A decade sick is not something I ever hoped for, and it has certainly taken a lot from me that I wish it hadn’t, but I’m proud of the progress I have made. I’m proud of the life I’ve managed to build while struggling, and I’m grateful for the person I have become. I do hope I won’t be sick for another decade, but I know that if I am, I have the tools I need to still live a life that feels valuable.